We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
