No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
