don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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