I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
