My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
