I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
