Three words: puerto rican gang bang
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
