they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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