did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I will die if light touches me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
