Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
