Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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