That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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