can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
