I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
