my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
