Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
