well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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