when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
