sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
