So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
