They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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