this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
