I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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