At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
