I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize