How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
