just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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