Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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