I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
