so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
