There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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