Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
