yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize