you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
