why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
