Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
