don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
