Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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