Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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