my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
