two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
