my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
