Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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