Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
