Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
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