a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
