My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Randomize
