I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
