Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
