Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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