She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
