apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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