I hate your face
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
