woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
