I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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