Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
