Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
